sometimes i wish my mum understood me better, sometimes i wish she would bring me out shopping like she used to, sometimes i wish she could just suck it up and not have a trillion demands of me. sometimes i wanna tell her stop that fucking comparison bullshit. sometimes i dream that i plaster her bedroom walls with a million post it notes and in bold words it would write ” I HAVE 2 TATTOOS, I STARTED SMOKING WHEN I WAS 17,I USED TO PUKE MYSELF SILLY EVERY WEDNESDAY,THURSDAY,FRIDAY, SAT, I SWEAR TO NO HELL END, I LOVE TO WEAR SHORT SKIRTS AND LOW CUT TOPS TO PISS YOU OFF,YES I AM A LESBIAN AND I AM ALSO NOT A VIRGIN, I GAMBLE EVERY ALTERNATE DAY AND I GO OUT ALL THE FUCKING TIME TO AVOID YOU.” sometimes i wanna yell at her and tell her how lonely i feel all the motherfucking time. sometimes i wanna hug her and tell her that i will never be the perfect daughter she wants me to be, but if she will try i will try too to make her happy because deep down i wont love anyone as much as i love her. sometimes i wanna punch the wall hard enough so my body will reel in the pain and my head would stop screaming out loud. sometimes i wish as i write my nonsensical bullshit, i will feel better but my heart is still racing and my head is splitting.

you said ” i want to take care of you forever.” might have been 3 years ago but i dont think i will ever forget that. i miss you tonight. i think i ve been missing you for a really long time now. ): i am so envious of so many simple pleasures other couples get to enjoy but for us its so difficult to achieve. feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, insurmountable pressure i am dealing with trying to perfect the next 2 weeks of december, feel like i owe you so much, feel like i need to make us feel alive in our relationship. truth is i really just want to bury my head in my pillow and sob and have you tell me that no matter what happens everything will be okay and i will always be the prettiest baby in the whole wide world. lately, i miss you so much ))):

3 years. This year will be the 3rd year I’m spending this special day/week with you. Sorry it didnt end on an awesome note today. Crushed all your expectations. 

It’s been 3 long, unexpected years. I never thought it’ll be so hard as well. Love prevails it all i guess. You taught me patience, a virtue I never truly possess/ You taught me how to be a better person, to be more giving. 

I love how you get amused so easily by tiny cute things. Thank you for that special surprise during stayover. Sorry for being so lazy all the time. You must be feeling so lousy from today you’re like pouting and sulking non stop during facetime. 

I love how you knock on the phone to get my attention. I love how you say ‘oei, baby. and sulk.’ And how youre whining non stop about how you used to have a whole bouquet of flowers, you only have a stalk now. How there used to be so many DIY stuffs, now there’s none. Haha.

Alright babylove. I got the message. Its as subtle as a gun. I will do something about it ok.

I hope that somehow, you will still enjoy this birthday week of yours with your friends and mummy.

I love you alot. Hope you know that.

Happy 22nd Cupcake. <3 

the clock just strike 12, who knew 2 years and 10 months would fly by so quickly. you know i still love watching you sleep, the way your arms fold so delicately across your petite frame, just like a baby, my baby. every day i look forward to you planting kisses on my forehead, i stare so intently at the smile on your face when you look at me adoringly. magical isnt it? still feels like love at first sight, i cant get enough of you. maybe its the way you encourage me, maybe its the way you hug me from behind, heck maybe its even the way you grin foolishly when you leave trace marks of your wet kisses all over my face. maybe its everything about you. thank you my dear for being my better half.

i love you so big.

dear baby, i am sorry. sorry for all the petty and crude remarks. you know its not from the heart. i don’t know how to control my anger and disappointment and because i put so much into this relationship it always heightens the frustration when i feel let down. i am sorry, it was terribly childish to put down the relationship and pass rude comments and make inferior comparisons. because truth betold, youre an amazing lover in so many ways , perhaps sometimes insufficient for my relentless demands but i know that you go all way out for me. i never once doubted your love but it was stupid to belittle your actions. i am sorry for the hurt and the disappointment in questioning my feelings in the relationship. but baby you have been the biggest pillar of strength the past 3 years and sometimes its inevitable to expect more. i am sorry love. i am so sorry. youre the better lover i never could be. passing petty remarks and crude comparisons were childish episodes of venting my helplessness at that point of time. but i never did love you less, never did need you less. i hope you know that deep down in my heart youre incomparable, youre infinite and more importantly youre the only one i am this terrified of losing because i love you with an intensity so strong it baffles me. i am scared baby because when i think of the future i see you in it. and thats scary because to put all my hopes and dreams on a relationship was something i never did and i dont want to lose you in the process of fighting too hard. i love you baby i love you so very fucking much. i hope you never ever doubt that. ):

today i walked home sobbing then i came home and threw my head into my pile of new clothes and wailed my heart out.  i should be physically exhausted given this mother of a cramps and a meagre 2 hours of sleep last night but really all i feel is a sinking weary heart. for 3 years i never really did anything i wanted to do for myself to compromise our relationship , not trying to sound noble, i did drop everything and run to LA for three months playing on the idea of my education but really i just wanted to find myself. but alas not only did i not find myself i end up being taken for granted. you know there’s validity behind all your actions but honestly lying to me not once, not twice but thrice and keep me hoping and believing only to take it all away, god that’s unbearable. imagine waiting 4 whole months for us to spend quality time together but then only to find out today yes today that your job does not end next week but next month. what kind of fool i must have been to be so receptive and naive to all your false hopes and broken promises. i know we will always have endless amount of time on our hands but do you know how it feels to wait , to wait knowing that the end is near only to find out its never gonna be the end. i cant even begin to describe how agonizing the past few months have been , the waiting, the dreaded journey to your workplace every tuesday after 6 hours of school. how can the cards ever turn around on me to be the unsupportive one . everyday i keep my schedule planned around yours for the past 2 months, every single fucking day and i swear on how badly i want my new miu miu bag. but all you do is paint me fragments of the truth , a far cry from reality, spinning me around in your plan. you know how far i ve come, i went from being the most materialistic superficial bitch around to a selfless USELESS ass that learn to expect nothing else but your time. and i cant even have that now can i because you keep hiding the truth from me. you know i probably sound like an insane twerp harping on my stupid relationship problem but if anyone ever knew what i had, have and will continue to go through with this endless amount of waiting and false hopes, maybe you wouldnt judge me.

I miss you I still miss you even though I just saw you a couple of hours ago . It’s been 3 years sweetheart but everyday I smile when I hear your voice and I run to you for a hug everytime I see you . You know when you ask me how I knew you were my soulmate and I answered that when you went down on your knees and gave me ring I wanted that moment to be replayed every anniversary for the rest of my life. And when I ask you how you knew I was your soulmate and you said that one day you just knew that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me , that was the sweetest thing anyone has ever told me . We exchanged that conversation at the back of the toilet and I never got a chance to tell you honey thank you for being the better lover I never could be and thankful you for wanting to build the future with me. We might not have time for month sAries but I will always remember the day you stole my heart and the look in your eyes when you hold my face in your hands and tell me that you love me so very much . I am so blessed baby so blessed . I will always love you .